


Go Psycho!

by LostinMay



Category: AFI, Tiger Army
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:31:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: None - Warning
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3415973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostinMay/pseuds/LostinMay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A ride out in the cementery... years later leads to love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go Psycho!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own. Didn't happen.

  
[Go Psycho!](http://afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=8547) by [LostinMay](http://afislash.com/viewuser.php?uid=595)  


  
Summary: A ride out in the cementery... years later leads to love.  
Nick13 and Davey and all the dear friends thrown in.  
Categories: [General AFI](http://afislash.com/browse.php?type=categories&catid=1) Characters:  None  
Genres:  Hurt/Comfort, Romance  
Warnings:  None  
Challenges:  
Series: None  
Chapters:  1 Completed: Yes  
Word count: 9772 Read: 53  
Published: 12/19/2010 Updated: 12/19/2010 

Story Notes:

Don't own. Didn't happen.

A/N The lyrics in this story belong to Tiger Army/Nick13.

Go Psycho! by LostinMay

Nick's POV

Time moves by so slowly as I await. It’s like I’m lurking in the shadows and no unseen form or creature wakes in my path.  
And I walk and walk this lonely road at night and the midnight moon caresses my surroundings putting a veil on everything and everyone.  
I walk slowly the floor is screeching and yet no one wakes, no one stirs.  
I leave the confines of this sacramental haven and go into the wild.  
But it is still at this late hour and as I stroll and stroll I can feel it in the air that the hours are changing.  
Accompanied by my calm and steady heartbeat I watch the sun rise once again.  
I, then slowly make my way back between the warmth of walls filled with belongings as I will waste yet another day.  
The world around me is fuzzy as I let the veil of sleep fall over my eyes and an indescribable loneliness creeps in my bones.  
No one is here. I’ll always be alone!  
I turn over in my bed and try to relax. These lonely thoughts are just the creation of tiredness and they’ll soon go away and only come back tomorrow morning.  
Until then I’ll know that nothing can break me as long as I have my guitar and my music… and friends.

I wake up at the sound of the door slamming. The clock blinks 11.24.  
I lay back on the bed and try to go back to sleep. I hear yet another noise. I turn over to the other side of the bed and see a form sitting in the door.

“What?” I say. I should be scared but I’m not. I look at the clock; it blinks ‘Dave’.

There’s a ringing sound and I wake up.

I look at the window, the curtains are shut and the clock doesn’t blink. I pick the phone and hear no dial. The power must have died sometime during the morning.  
I realize there’s someone at the door and I put on a pair of pants and make my way to the source of the noise.  
I pick my mobile phone on the way to the door and realize it died out as well.  
It looks a bit weird even to me; as I open the door I am greeted by the most dazzling smile.

 

He throws his arms around me and hugs me tight. I can barely breathe but I don't care. I will live! With his arms tight around my neck and his chest against mine and his warm and sweet breathe on my neck and ear I think I can live a million years without so much as needing air.  
He takes a step back and smiles and it's so radiant, so beautiful, so pure than despite everything I can't help but smile back and not only smile but feel joy creeping in my soul and cheering it up.

"I tried to call you! But your phone died, so I thought I should just visit you!"

He said that as if he does it every day, damn, it's been weeks since I last saw him, but he acts around me with the familiarity of one that knows everything about me... and well he does!  
That's one of the reasons why a part of my black little heart is his and only his.

Davey Havok comes second after my music.

Some years ago he knew it. I proved it to him every second of every day - over and over again.  
Now - every second of every day I mourn those days gone by - over and over again.  
In my heart Davey will always compete with music and more often than not he will win, because I've been loving him for so long; thinking of him is like breathing.

And now seeing him on my door step showering me with affection makes me think life is worth living, that I would put my band back together a thousand times, that nothing can touch me.  
As long as I have those sparkling eyes on me - I am invincible.  
As long as he breathes and smiles he'll *always* have my heart.

 

He invites himself in like one that slept and ate and smiled on these old floors and he did.

I invite him to breakfast. He gladly accepts and starts doing small talk as he actually prepares our meal.  
It feels so amazing to have him sitting at the end of the couch eating and drinking with me.

We talk about everything and then he asks the question I always fear.  
"So did you find someone to love Nick?"

I gulp as always and inside I am bleeding and breaking.  
"No Dave! Did you?"

And I swear that seconds couldn’t have passed harder, every breath came in harsher and it seemed like I was spitting my own lungs.

"I think I may have found someone..."

He doesn't look at me but I search his eyes anyway. I could have sworn he was reluctant to admit this to me. It scares me that he might see right through me. No one should see what I feel! No one!! Not even the one person I love!

"That's great Dave! You deserve to be happy!"

"Thank you Nick! We should have lunch sometime... You should come to this party in the weekend."  
"Sure thing Dave!"  
"I'll call you about it!"

And just like that he was out of my house and I felt barren once again.

I guess this is what they call burning on the inside. I just let myself fall on the couch and silently mourn.  
I know that even if I was not with him, he still made my life worth living but before knowing he has someone everything was easier. I was torn apart. Happy and sad at the same time.

***

It was passed midnight when I took my old beat up car and we drove to the cementery.  
He smiled the whole night, happy he had a chance to spend a night there.  
I've been singing songs to him and making him smile. Even before I knew it my heart already belonged to him and ached to make him happy.

I remember that night when under a full moon I told him he was so beautiful and how he rewarded me with a caress on my cheek.  
I can still feel it, I can still feel how my eyelashes closed and how I just got lost in that innocent caress.  
I can still hear the tremor in his voice as he asked me if he can scoot closer and he did after a shaky yes. And then ever slowly I pressed my lips to his in the most innocent kiss I ever shared with someone.

I think about it to this day, maybe his innocence swiped me off my feet; maybe the fact that he was different from what I was made me appreciate him and want to be with him forever.

 

But the reality of today was not what I had in the past, what we had.  
And today I was faced with another cruelty. I had to understand that the one and only person I ever loved and I was ever faithful to had found someone and everything I lived for might disappear in the blink of an eye.

But somewhere deep inside me I didn't want to give my love up. I didn't want to live without it. It was like a glimmer of light in the dark.  
There was only one chance for me... not only love without being loved, but love someone whose heart belongs openly to someone else.

I went back to my room and lay on the bed with my guitar. I played some of my favorite songs and some rifts that I was trying to put together for our new album.  
This was making me feel better, just feeling the vibrations under my finger tips and hearing the notes flying around me. It made it all bearable!

I took my songs notebook trying to work on some songs.

_"It burns like a fire in the night / A glow that rises and becomes the starlite / Starlite // Under the trees, in the night / you'll find it there / In the space between heartbeats / where the whole world disappears"_

The phone rang so I picked it up before scrabbling "forever" and "forever fades away" on the paper.

"Hello?"  
"Hey hey! How are you man? I just talked to Davey."  
"Oh..."

It was Tim Armstrong. Tim is an amazing friend of mine. He, unlike my other best buddy Jade, gets between things, struggles to find out and solve matters that aren’t his.

"I was thinking to come over... have a chat... dunno..."

I sighed. "I'm working Tim. Can we talk later?"  
"No, we cannot actually. That girl and Davey... it's nothing serious man..."  
I closed my eyes. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't!!  
"I don't wanna hear this!"  
"It was just a night and she's already not calling. It's gonna be..."  
I ended the conversation.

I could feel blood seeping from my heart and dripping on my soul like a Chinese drop.

Drip, drip, drip!

Driving me crazy with pain.

_"Regret sits heavy in your chest / Until sometimes - it gets so hard to breathe / Sometimes it just wont go away, and you start to feel it'll never leave / And when you think back on those times /  
it seems so close, just beyond your reach / But the past vanishes like smoke from a cigarette in the night breeze // Please stop this pain - / Hurt for so long / Pain - / Hurt for so long / I've felt this way for so long" [...]_

I let the guitar and pen down as I finished the song. I called some friends and went out to drink some. Somewhere deep inside I knew I would end up on someone couch, being sick as hell in the morning. But I just wanted to numb my heart, even if tomorrow all the pain will come crashing down making me kneel in tears.

 

As I put on my pants and my t-shirt I could not help think about what Tim said, what has been on my mind ever since Davey left my house and ever since it finally sank in.

I lost him.

Even if I didn't want to accept it, even if I didn't think about it I knew it was true.  
The more I thought about this I knew I was right. The look in Davey's eyes, the way he walked across the room, the way his voice sounded - it wasn't my Davey anymore, it was someone else's.  
I knew I lost him, that he wasn't mine anymore. And I was afraid that I might never have a chance to see my Davey.  
I was afraid that maybe he finally found 'forever'.

I knew that tonight he would walk in the house, where the party was, arm in arm with someone who owned him and I just had to accept it.  
Do it or risk never seeing Davey again.

***

I came in the same time with Jade and he sent me a happy smile and gave me a tight hug.  
We exchanged normal questions and answers and he went in the other room and I saw him trying to call someone repeatedly.  
After 2 hours I saw his fiancé walk in the house and he cheered up. I was happy to see him walk hand in hand with Marissa and smile.  
It's always good to see people that you consider family happy as they can be.

After 3 hours I noticed that there was no sign of Dave coming so I found Tim and asked him what was going on. He just shrugged in the ol' Tim's way and didn't give an answer. So I just had to wait it out and find out what was going on.

I stood alone in my corner watching time pass me by, the clock slowly ticking and the neon flickering. People around me chatted away happily, they were buzzing. They would have been intoxicatingly happy if my mood would have been different.

Then I saw him. He averted everyone’s eyes and went straight to Jade and then to a room in the back.  
I felt Tim's hand on my back and his fingers grabbing my arm.

"Go see what's up with him! You're as good a friend as Jade is, Nick!"

I sighed and strolled ever slowly to that said room.

There was a silent battle in me. I didn't even want to acknowledge it. One side of me hoped that Tim had been right that maybe that girl and Davey were over and he didn't belong to anyone, and another part of me was afraid that she might have just went to another city or state or country and he was just missing her.  
I was afraid that instead of hope I'll just receive another knife through my heart.

I stopped in front of the door and just gazed at the doorknob.

 

_And the flame still burns (forever) / And my heart still yearns (forever) / And in my dreams the fires blaze / But the embers fade (forever) / And the light grows faint (forever) / As forever fades away, forever fades away_

I opened the door and I inhaled slowly trying to hold back tears.

I had to remind myself those were Jade's arms hugging him; Jade's lips pecking his cheek; that it was Jade he was clinging to; that Jade was like our brother and I would never lose Davey to him.

I had to remind myself all that and hold back bitter tears as I tried not to be ghostly white and not shake.

Jade saw me there and from the look in his eyes I knew I was transparent but then again it was Jade and he knew where my heart was.  
It was right next to the man's that he was so tenderly holding in his arms.

Jade slowly pushed Davey away and motioned to me and then in the blink of an eye I was taking Jade's place, hugging Davey tight.

"She left. Why do they all l...leave Nick? What am I doing wrong? Why if I'm so... p... ‘perfect’... do they leave?"

I held him close whispering 'shut up's in his ear.

His warm breath was on my neck making me shake every two seconds. I was caressing his back slowly, massaging his nape every time my fingers got there.  
He relaxed slowly and he left his head rest on my shoulder.  
I was kissing his hair not saying a word and just basking in the warmth that was spreading from his body.

He rose his head and I turned mine to look in his eyes. His perfect face was ruined but his tears had stopped and he was trying to smile. I mirrored that shy smile and he scooted closer rubbing our noses gently.  
I smiled widely at the cute gesture.

We were so close I was breathing in his air. All of a sudden it all grew terribly quiet and my heart started racing up.

He put his hand on it and I couldn't help myself and closed my eyes.

It was like he was taking me back in time and I couldn't help it. I let tears run freely on my cheeks.

He stood like that for a couple of seconds, close to my lips, with his hand on my heart, breathing in slowly... breathing my air and my gasps.

 

Tim opened the door and from the look on his face he knew he ruined a moment.

"Damn Nick!" He ignored my tears "great way of helping him not mope around. Tsk tsk! Take him out of this house! Here!" He put the keys to his car in my hand "take him to your place! Take care of him!"

Tim helped Davey rise and he hugged him tight, kissing his hair. “Go on!"

He patted me on the back and lip synced sorry. I nodded and smiled.

Davey got under my arm and we both made our way outside and then to my place.  
He was awfully quiet and just watched the sights rolling outside car's window.

When we got to my place he offered to make smoothies.

It was something terribly heart breaking to see him still knowing where I kept everything.  
It was killing me how he got around the house without having to turn on the light.

"Can we get in bed?" His voice was meek, sort of broken and tired. I accepted the idea and we both crawled in my bed.

We ate in silence. He still kept quiet.

He turned to me and pecked my lips, lingering seconds more than he should have.

"Night Nick!"  
"Sleep well Dave!"

I didn't close an eye that night. Davey however shifted in his sleep and hugged me.

I looked at the walls that surrounded me, at the objects that stood around silently. They were all still, probably happier than I have been in ages.

Years back, I can still remember the smell of the air that night me and Davey went on a car ride.  
We stood in the middle of nowhere and just got out of the car and gazed at the stars. It was so beautiful and with that gorgeous boy by my side it seemed like I was the happiest and luckiest boy in the whole world.  
He was holding me that night more like he is holding right now.

I couldn't help but sigh.

That night I let my hands wander on his lean body and kissed every inch on his skin I could find without removing his clothing.  
He was hard and it made me feel so proud that I had that effect on him. I unbuttoned his pants to hear him gasp and blush.  
He was making my heart burst with every little gasp and every time he bucked up to meet up with me.  
When he came all over my hand, he clung to me for dear life.

I held him close that night and looking down on him right now I decided to hold him again.  
He smiled in his sleep and scooted closer, brushing his lips on my neck.

I felt his fingers going up my arm and I could swear his eyes where on me.

 

I turned my head to look at him and his piercing gaze was on me. I smiled and he mirrored it.

"I can't really sleep. Can you?"  
"I can't. I'm nocturnal."

He smiled and nuzzled in me.

"I miss you."

I could barely make out the words and I put a finger under his chin and raised his face to look into his eyes.

"Do you really?"

He nodded. I rose in a sitting position and made him rise as well.

The moon was up and lighting both our faces. It made it hard for me to conceal what I really felt and I was lucky I could see his face so clear as well. He was a good actor but he was my Davey, he couldn't lie to me.

"I miss you too! All the time. Every second."

He smiled and leaned forward. I opened my arms to him hoping he would want to hug me. I didn't realize what he wanted until I felt his hands on my face and his lips on my own. His tongue touched my lips, trying to sneak in. I was taken by surprise and I gave in to him.  
I could feel his sweet taste on my tongue and his gentle caresses were making me melt.

He pushed me slowly on my back and I just let him sit flat on me. There was nothing sexual in the way he was sitting on me, holding my face and kissing me slowly.

We broke apart to breathe and he looked at me with honey eyes.

"I'm not using you Nick..." He leaned forward trying to kiss me again. I put my hand in the middle of his chest and stopped him.

"Davey."

He stopped and there was a look of fright in his eyes.

"Don't play with my feelings." He wanted to speak but I put my fingers on his lips stopping him before he spoke. "I love you. I couldn't stand having my heart broken by you yet again. Please!"

He nodded.

"Think about what you're doing, ok?"

He nodded yet again. I took his hand and made him lay down. He snuggled close and put his head on my chest. I put my arms around him and tried to fall asleep.

_My love it is a black rose (my love it is a black rose) / Held out to you by the hand of fate (held by the hand of fate now) / And as this dark romance grows... / It's not from the sun, but the starlight that's so far away / Above the Devil's garden_

Before I knew it I was asleep and the morning sun woke me up more relaxed that I have been in ages.

 

I turned to my side and the bed was empty. All the calm I felt had gone in a second. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. I rolled out of my bed and went through my house.

The emptiness went through my heart and made every fiber in my body ache with physical pain, but I didn't stop I just strolled on from one part to the other, taking in every detail of this emptiness.  
I looked at every object, caressed the surfaces of everything I could reach tattooing this killing feeling in my brain.  
I went to the kitchen and saw the little plates we ate in on the table. I looked at them for what seemed like forever and then in a heartbeat with all the force I had I swept them off the table and sent them flying.  
They broke some cupboards' windows in their raging flight and I just stood there looking at everything without even flinching.

I didn't hear anything until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around ready to punch who ever it was that came to witness my breakdown. I stopped myself just in time and looked at the face before me for a couple of seconds before registering who it was and what his presence here meant.

I knew from the look in his eyes that the little I thought I had I lost last night.

I remember you close to me and you whispered in the dark,  
"The time will come for you to go you must forget me not"  
What it meant is known by precious few  
But rest assured I will remember until my life is through

 

His face was expressionless and for once I was happy for it. He looked in my eyes for a couple of seconds and averted them.

"It's about Davey..." Jade said.

I closed my eyes waiting to hear what I dreaded.

It was like that day. It was exactly like that day only that then I didn't stand in my kitchen, I was outside and the sun was setting and I was waiting for Davey, but he never came instead Jade appeared and talked to me.

The night before that Davey and I got as close as two people can. It was the best night of my life, one that I will remember forever.

Adam's parents went out and we were all invited. From the first moment we stepped into the house Davey laced his arms around my neck and started kissing me, touching me and nipping every bit of skin he could find.

We were send up to Adam's room right after and I let him do stuff at his own pace, but his pace was fierce and hot that night.

There was mischief in his eyes, desire and love melted all together and he was looking at me as he was making me drown in my love for him.  
Before I knew it we were both naked and panting and I couldn't stand the tension.  
So I asked how far we were going and he smiled that dazzling smile of his and came close to my ear. I felt his lips on it and the warm air that he was exhaling.

"I will fuck you. That's how far we are going."

I shuddered at the words and I let him have his way with me. He plunged deep inside me, every sexual touch was reaching my soul and I let him in so much, I opened myself so wide to him that I felt him as being part of me, I felt him pumping through my veins and vibrating through my brain.

The day after Jade came instead of Davey.

And right now I looked at Jade and waited.

"He still can't do this Nick."

Back then he said "Davey couldn't come Nick. He loves you too much, way too much! He can't deal with all this! He doesn't want to lose you! Don't let him alone in his world Nick! Can you *please* be by his side!!!"

I averted his gaze once more. It was like he was infuriated too but I didn't care. I didn't want him to see me break.

"Jade... go away!" The world left my mouth but they were more of a plea than a demand.

With a last look he turned around and left.

I took a sit on the kitchen floor, not caring about getting cut by the broken class and just closed my eyes and let my soul wither slowly.

 

 

I have no idea how much time I stood on the floor rethinking what happened in the last 2 days. It all came back to me in a blur and I couldn't decide what I did wrong.

I was kicking myself mentally for not taking advantage of the way Davey was ready to give himself. Not because I wanted a release but because I wanted a sweet memory of him.  
And maybe, just maybe, he would have stayed.

I pushed thoughts of Davey away and just concentrated on getting away from myself and shutting down my mind.

I reached to my right in a cupboard and took out some alcohol. I was in my second bottle when I heard the door open and close violently. I thought I heard a voice but then again I could have been mistaken.

The door to the kitchen opened and closed and then I heard footsteps leaving and coming back.

I was sipping from the bottle when I saw Tim's face at the same level with mine.  
There was anger in his eyes and in the way he lifted me up and made me walk to the bathroom.

He ordered me around until I got showered, changed and into bed.

He didn't say anything else but the necessary words and it was getting frustrating. I knew why he was here. I also knew that everyone knew now. I didn't feel ashamed; I was just feeling pity for myself.  
It was like I was watching a movie and I was terribly sorry for the main character. He was also appearing a bit stupid to me, but there was nothing I could do to forget Davey. You can't just snap your fingers and forget perfection. That was a thing you just could not do. I never tried to get over him in all this years, but there was a voice in the back of my head that told me to at least try.  
Try, try, try!

"You know Nick, this is fucking stupid."

He was resting against the nightstand and was looking in the direction of the window.  
He had a pained look on his face and he seemed tired.

"And it's not cause of you. I mean it's not you who is stupid. It's Dave... I mean fuck it man, it's just unbelievable."

He locked his eyes with me. He was infuriated. It was like he would have punched Davey if he was in front of him right then.

"I punched Dave today."

I sighed.

"Hope you are not mad of me cause of that."

"I'm not Tim. It's fine. I am beyond caring." I said, my voice merely a whisper.

"Nick, seriously, get out of this vicious circle! It's killing you man!"

He got closer to me and put his hand on my knee. I smiled sadly at him and nodded.

"I gotta talk to him."  
"Yeah, you do. Now get some rest or something."

I looked at the day outside. It seemed a nice day to be out than in moping.

I gave Tim a shy smile. "Let's take a walk punk!"

He smiled brightly and jumped off the bed.

I got ready to go out. And as we left the house I put my hand around his shoulders and kissed the side of his neck.

 

 

We ran into a couple of close friends and everyone tried their best to cheer me up. It worked, it almost worked but then Adam came along with Nils.

I sighed loudly when I saw Nils carry his petite body around. He hugged me and I hugged him back. We weren't the best of friends but since Davey appreciated his company I soon learned to understand why.  
He was a really amazing companion and what was shocking to anyone was the calm and sweet nature this boy had in him.

I made my way with him to the kitchen to show him where the booze was.

By the way he was mentioning Davey I got it he didn't know what happened. I was intrigued to find out that Davey's shadow knew nothing of what was really going on.

"I hope Ryan comes cause I don't wanna stay here. I had a photo shoot and classes earlier today and I'm hella tired."

I smiled and offered to take him home.

He was oblivious to where Dave was the other day and I desperately needed to talk to someone. My own mind wasn't a good companion anymore and I hoped that Nils would be gentle with me.  
I hoped that he would tell me to keep hoping, cause in the end that's what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to try and give up.

"Nils, do you know about me and Davey?"

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

"Dave didn't tell you about us?"  
"Ummm, no, he didn't.... Are you guys ok?"  
"Yeah" I said sighing. I stopped in front of his and Ryan's place and we got out of the car and we soon were settled on the couch with something warm to drink.

"Tell me about this Nick... I mean... if you want... and um.... if it will make you feel better..."  
"I really need to talk to you Nils..."  
"I'm a good listener..." He said with a honey voice. It almost made me want to sit in his lap and cuddle.

"It started in high school... You know how me, Adam and Davey have all the same age. I was good friends with Adam and we later started that band. Ah well! I soon met Davey and we got along amazingly well. We would spend a lot of time together and even though I didn't know I could have feelings for a man I somehow started appreciating Davey. Soon after it kinda dawned on me that I might just love him.  
I woke up one morning. It was autumn and it was chilly so we were all sleeping in one bed to be warm. Adam's parents were out a lot so we crashed at his place.  
I just woke up that morning to find Davey gone and I later on found out he had to go home, all this happened while I slept, but when I saw he was missing I felt it.  
It was like a pang in my heart and I left that house speaking little to the guys. I walked home by foot and just tried to analyze what was in my heart.  
I felt for girls before but what I felt when I missed then and was worried for them was nothing compared to the pain I felt right then.  
It shocked me at first but I appreciated Davey so much I took this all ok. I was sad not because I might just be gay I was sad that I might never be able to share what was in my heart.  
I hid this from everyone. I guess Jade was the only one that saw through me, but he never admit it to me and he never told Davey.

Some weeks after that I took Davey to the graveyard. My dad gave me his old beat-up car and I thought Dave would be fucking happy. In all this time I just didn't admit to myself I was 'in love' I just let things flow. It made everything really easy actually and I was surprised.

Well that night we kissed and things well, they didn't feel the same. I admitted to myself I was freaking crazy about Davey but we kept it low for a while.  
Jade told Dave to let our friends know so we can be together when we were with them. After a couple of weeks we did and it was even better.  
Some time after when we were at Adam's we made love. He was the one who initiated it and I was the one who submitted to him, if you know what I mean.  
It was never the other way around actually.  
Well the day after Davey never came to our dating point instead Jade appeared and told me Dave could not go along with this relationship and begged me to be his friend despite everything.  
You have no idea how hard it was. No idea! In all this time I never had a harder task to fulfill.  
And it didn't get any easier with the time.  
I felt knives through my heart every time I had to see him with someone else and it was practically getting me sick to find out he found a lover.  
What got me sick once and had to cancel tour dates was the fact that I found out he still loved me."  
I sighed and looked at Nils. From the look in his eyes I knew he was balancing what I was telling him, that he was making opinions.

"And the other day we kissed and it seemed to me he wanted something more, but yet again he didn't have the guts to face me and he sent Jade."

Nils got closer to me and hugged me. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and just stood there.

"What do you think of this, Nils?"

 

He was quiet for a little while but continued to hold me close. He started speaking and his lips were brushing my skin and his hot breath was tingling my skin.

"I think Davey it's just afraid of this. He's somehow running away from his own feelings. Truth being told it's amazing how you still hold on to this..."  
"You think I should let go?" I waited for the answer to this, my heart beating faster with every second that passed. I was afraid to hear the answer. I almost told him not to answer me, almost.  
"I think you should talk to him. And I also think you should find someone to share some moments with."

I exhaled sharply and I wanted to say something bitter, but he didn't give me time to speak.

"Don't think that you will ever find someone like him. He is irreplaceable, I know. He's perfect, I know! But apparently not perfect enough."  
He looked in my eyes and I understood his point of view.  
"You hang out with amazing people. Look around you and find a second best. I find it hard to believe you won't find someone, Nick!"

He looked in my eyes like he was waiting for me to let all this sink in.

"I didn't know Dave did this to you..." He looked sort of sad and I hugged him back and kissed his cheek.

"I'm sorry... I didn't want to change your opinion of him. I'm really sorry..."  
"Well, he kissed me a couple of times... and well... if he says he loves you then I surely don't get him. He didn't want a relationship with me either..."

His eyes were swimming in tears and it was making me break inside.  
It was strange how I was forgetting my own problems when I saw this kid in tears. It was funny though how Nils was broken apart by the same person that was breaking me.  
In a way I just could not believe this even though I was going through it.

"We could watch a movie or go out for a little or just dunno.... I could also go home and leave you alone..."

He looked at me for a while and then smiled. "Or we could go over to your place and watch a movie."

I agreed to it and we went to my place. I am never exaggerating when I talk about my collection of movies so I let Nils pick an old movie and we settled on the couch with yummy goodies we bought on the way over and watched like 2 movies before Nils felt asleep.

I took him in my arms and I managed to get him upstairs. I took of his shoes and pants and let him fall asleep on the bed.  
I occupied my time with playing my guitar and putting some rifts down on the paper.  
I was getting a song done when he woke up and looked me in the eye. It was strange how this shy boy could actually look you in the eye more than anyone else.

"Play that again." He said his voice heavy with slumber.

I remember those summers that stretched on without end / The future called so loudly and the oaks, the oaks were silent then / Silence forever, conversations in my head / Might not have changed your mind but if we'd spoken / Here's what I'd have said / Here's what I would've said: // Embrace this joy, this pain / Don't miss this chance it will not come again / You mean more than you may ever know / Don't linger where the moss slowly grows

He loved it. It was written all over his face. As I sang he gravitated closer to me and he was now sitting on the arm of the chair.  
I put the guitar down and looked at him with a smile.

He traced the tattoos on my arm and smiled. He cupped my jaw in his hand and looked at me for a couple of seconds. I knew what was coming and yet I could not bring myself to stop him.

 

"Niiiils!" Davey's high pitched voice rang through the stillness of the room. It was something between a yell and an attempt to hide his unease.

In the second Nils heard his name he rose from the chair and made a step back from it, and therefore from me, and stood there reprimanded like a small kid.  
I on the other hand looked Dave in the eye.

"Ryan is downstairs." That's all Davey said and Nils just exited the room without a glance back at me.

Davey closed the door after Nils and that's when I started yelling.

"HOW DARE YOU?? How can you fucking *live* with yourself when you know pretty damn well what you are doing to this kid!!"

"Not kid enough since you were planning to fuck him." His voice held venom but it wasn't enough to silence me.

"Don't you assume something like that about me David Marchard. *You* are the one who should be fucking ashamed of himself not me. I am *not* the one who's leading him on."

We didn't change our places and I was yelling at the top of my lungs. In the second I uttered his real name Davey changed from angry to ferocious. I expected him to punch me or make that remark about how only his mom can call him David but he didn't.  
Instead he stood silent for a second; when he started talking his voice was mellow but still irritated and unsure.

"This is not about Nils, Nick... this is about *you*, admit it!"

I laughed - a bitter and forced one but I played my role well for Davey's face decomposed.

"This is about Nils. Between you and me there's... *nothing*."

His eyes went wide with confusion and something else, something close to pain and a second later he exited the room. Minutes later I heard the engine and I assumed he drove away.

I went downstairs taking my time and letting everything that just happened, sink in.

The house was empty.

I looked around for a couple of seconds then grabbed my wallet, my phone and my car keys. I jumped in my car and drove.  
After a half an hour I picked the phone and called Tim. He didn't answer so I tried Lars' phone. He answered after the 5th attempt.

"Yo man, where are you?"  
"On the road, going nowhere."  
"Come somewhere", he said almost yelling over the noise in the background, "we are throwing a party."

I didn't need to be told twice. I drove to Lars' place and it was indeed a huge party. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Adam but he just nodded in my direction. He was sorta drunk which made a grin form on my face.  
I started to love my decision and I dived deep in the party looking for booze.

Strangely enough I didn't feel any weird looks thinking that I hurt Davey pretty bad just an hour ago.  
I stumbled over Jade half an hour afterwards and he said hi and patted my back. I exhaled relieved because the last thing I wanted was to have a fight with Jade.

It was true that I deserved it somehow; that I did hurt Davey. I could not get over the fact that he was hurt. That all I wanted was to take him in my arms and hug him; that I wanted to press my lips to his skin; that I wanted to undress him and get intimate with him.

When I came back to the real world I saw Tim smiling at me. He came close to me and whispered something in my ear that I didn't understand.  
The part that I understood was about Jade and that he left already.

I could barely follow Tim around seeing as I couldn't walk straight anymore. We got into a room and he closed the door behind me cause I couldn't handle the doorknob.  
And then I swear I don't know what happened. I mean I know, but damn.

He took my hand and put it on his crotch. I could feel the bulge there.

"It's all you." He whispered.

I attacked his mouth, kissing him, my tongue battling with his. His hands were roaming over my neck and shoulders.  
I stopped the kiss and looked into his eyes.

"Be mine tonight Nick." He smiled and I smiled back.

I took off his shirt and he helped me with mine. The second it was off he started leaving hot trails on my neck.  
My hands were touching his back and I found the hem of his pants and started toying with it. Then I brought my hand to the front of his pants, I unbuttoned them and put my hand inside. His cock was hard and leaking precum. I held it in my hand and stroked it as much as I could in the confines of his pants.

We kissed once again and I could feel myself grow harder and harder. He stopped touching me and instead he opened my pants and helped me take them off.  
He made me walk until I hit the bed. He undressed himself and straddled me.

We began touching and kissing the second he was comfortable in my lap.

He pushed me on my back and I let him climb on top of me. He kissed my neck and touched me for a couple of minutes.  
The alcohol was wearing off and I was afraid I'd wake up before we ended this.

"Now... Do it now..."

Thoughts were flying in my head about the fact that he wasn't any person, he was Tim. He was *my* best friend, he was Jade and Davey's friend.

I felt the lube and the fingers probing. I relaxed and let him prepare me. It seemed like time stopped and everything was moving extra slowly. I felt the pain run through my body and then it wore off and was replaced by nothing.  
It was like I was just a casket. I could feel Tim pushing in me. I could feel his breathe on my face and my neck but I didn't feel pleasure. It was actually even worse. I felt used and I let him come and he sit near me on the bed and I put a hand on his chest.  
He turned and put a hand on me as well.

I closed my eyes and hoped it shall all disappear. There was no alcohol to make me believe I was doing the right thing. Actually what remained from my drunken stupor was telling me how wrong I was.  
You just didn't have comfort fucks with best friends.

The room seemed foreign and I was sitting on spikes. I just had to rise. Everything seemed darker, unfriendly and was making me understand I will never forget this.

It was one of those things that you couldn't name mistake and live with it and the person you had sex with couldn't be splashed with dirt either and his name thrown at the back of your mind.  
Tim was a friend and it started out as a desired intercourse and no matter how hard it was I knew I had to remember it and live with it.

I rose from the bed. He looked at me with a blank face.

"I don't feel too good, man! I might head home. Wanna come over?" I wish I didn't have to say that. The last thing I wanted was to be around Tim.  
He shook his head and I let out the air I held in.

I nodded, dressed as fast as I could without letting it show that I was running and left.

When I got home I closed the door slowly and locked it 3 times. I needed to keep everything outside. I went to my room and took my guitar.  
It was my only comfort. All that I could rely on and everything I needed right now.

The telephone rang all morning and died out around 11.

I took a shower and went to bed. I decided to eat some but then just took my meal to my room, ate and felt right asleep.  
I tossed and turned all morning.  
It seemed I had just climbed in bed when in fact it was 10 pm when I woke up hearing the phone ring once again.  
I turned on the other side and let it ring.

Different dreams I had came back to me, they were all about searching through woods for something I didn't find.

I took yet another shower to will the bad thoughts away. I made another meal for myself and decided to watch some movies.

The images ran before my eyes, the words rang in my ears, I followed the plot but from times to times I got sidetracked into memories land.

I missed Davey. I wanted to see him. I wanted to go back in time and hold him close to my heart and kiss him. I wanted to share one of those passionate kisses with him once again.

Someone rang at my door but I just turned off the tv-set, closed my eyes and hoped it will go away whoever it was.

 

Davey's POV

It's obsessive. It's tiring. It takes all the strength I have in me. Every time I go to sleep I can feel his hands on me, I can feel his lips on mine. I can feel his smell, his warmth.  
I can hear his voice saying words he used to say and words he never uttered before.

Jade moved in with me. I don't know why he's still here. I don't talk to him I spend hours and hours just starring at the walls. In my head all possible scenarios come and go.

I simply can't take this. I can't stand being apart, not talking, not even being friends.  
I don't even know what stopped me before, what made me refuse his love. I don't. I don't anymore.  
All I know is that I need him now, that I crave his care and attention. Everything that I thought back then is bullshit now.  
And yet I don't know how to tell him.

How can you tell the person you hurt most that you want to try it again? He won't believe me. He won't trust me. And yet it kills me to be without him.  
I might be a master of words but I can't find the right ones to apologize and gain his trust.

Ever since I broke up with him I couldn't desire someone else. I haven't touched anyone in such a long time. I didn't break up with him for lack of love or understanding or anything. It was just fear to get lost in something that would overtake me completely.

The phone rings and I look at Jade. He listens to the voice at the other end and then he ends the conversation.  
"It was about Nick. He's in the hospital. He had a car accident. He gave them your number. We should go down there!"

I blink a couple of times, tears threatening to escape. I know that if I start crying I'll never stop.  
I nod and get ready to leave.  
I might just forget talking one day. Soon. It's better to be silent than to talk about this overwhelming pain.

When we get to the hospital, we're told he was conscious for a little while, that's when he told them my number.  
Afterwards he had a blackout and they told us he didn't wake up yet.  
It was a minor accident and he was very drunk. He hit the concrete and they assured us that we can take him home when he wakes up.

I agreed to go in.  
Seeing him on the bed, surrounded by the white sheets it's a sight that makes my feet tremble and give in.  
I take a sit on the bed next to him and I take his hand in mine and I put my forehead on it.  
I just can't take it anymore and I let the river of tears flow.  
My whole body is shaking and I can't stop the tears. Every minute that passes makes my soul feel lighter but the tears don't stop.  
I feel a hand on my head going down trying to cup my jaw and raise my head. For a second I think it's Jade but I know it can't be him.

"Davey!"

And I close my eyes, letting the word fly through my head, going through my soul and touching my core. He says it again and this time I rose my head and look at him.  
He stays there, his eyes look tired and looks at me with confusion and pain.

"You ok?" He asks and I nod.

I can't talk to him. If I open my mouth the only words I could utter would be: I'm so sorry Nick. For everything! I love you so much! I can't be without you!

His fingers caress my cheek for a few seconds.  
"Say something Davey!"

I close my eyes and I open then once again only to climb higher on the bed and hug him. I lanced my arms around his neck and just stood on his chest.  
His fingers got lost in my hair and we stood like this for a while not saying a thing.

After a while Jade came in.

"Hey Nick! We're gonna take you home. You're staying at Davey's for a while. I talked to Tim and he already took some of your stuff there. C'mon Dave!"

From the lack of emotions in his voice I knew something was really wrong and I couldn't tell if it was about Nick's condition or about something else.  
True, Nick wasn't taking care of himself but I was sure that Jade wouldn't be that affected by a destructive outburst from his best friend after all Nick always drank a bit too much.

I rose and helped Nick up. Jade gave him clean clothes and he put them on in silence.

I tried locking my gaze with Jade wanting to read what this was all about, but he avoided me until we got home.  
Instead he spoke with Nick telling him he's gonna help him take a bath and that he will prepare a room for him and that afterwards he needs to rest.

True to his word Tim brought clothes, belongings, his guitar and his notebook. Jade arranged them in the drawers and I just stood in the doorway looking at him move around, preparing the room for what looked like a long stay.  
When he was done he looked me in the eye, then he hugged me tight.

"Help him in bed and stuff... and talk to him. You can't really be silent forever Dave. I'm gonna go now. And Davey..."

He was struggling with something. I knew it was something serious.

"Nick and Tim... they had sex a couple of nights ago... I dunno..."  
He was pained by the news and he was afraid I'd break down. I smiled and caressed his cheek.

"It's ok Jade. I deserve it."

The front door opened and closed and then I was left with my thoughts.  
They had sex. Then why is Nick here? Jade left out a detail.

My eyes came back to reality to see Nick in the door way. Naked. Looking at me with sadness in his eyes. And something more. Something I couldn't trace.

"I'm sorry."

That was the first thing he said. He averted my eyes and looked down at the floor.

"I heard what Jade said. I'm sorry."

"What? It's ok Nick..."

He came closer and took a sit on the bed. I couldn’t help but trace the contours of his body. The way he moved across the room and I couldn’t help but think that he was beautiful. That I'd love to have those strong arms around me and to lay flat against that body.

"It's not ok."

He confused me so I took a sit on the bed determined to clear the air and maybe by the end of our talk I might gather enough courage to spill my heart to him.

"I didn't want to sleep with Tim. I don't want to sleep with anyone."  
"I know how that feels Nick. I do know."  
"You can't know Dave..." his voice no more than a whisper.

And then I just looked at him, how regret was sitting on his chest making it hard for him to breathe. I knew that we had this moment in time to make things right.  
I knew I could have done foolish things to gain his body but not his love, not his trust, not his friendship.  
I took his hand and smiled.  
"My feelings for you are still the same if not stronger... and we're gonna work out from friendship to love... if you still want to..."

His eyes got teary and he nod but not actually replying. He moved closer and hugged me tight against his body. I could feel him exhaling slowly, relief washing over his tight muscles; I could feel him relaxing in my embrace.  
After a little while we broke the hug and I smiled.

“Some of your stuff’s here! I’ll get you clothes and then you can relax while I go make something to eat.”

He nod and I got him some pants and a t-shirt.

It was funny having him in my house. It was strange having *someone* in my house to cook for.

I got downstairs and I started arranging bowls and ingredients on the table.  
I was thinking about the past, my life and these new feelings I accepted and how they will forever change me.  
I wasn’t afraid anymore, I wanted *us* to work out, I wanted to fight for this.  
I knew he could make me happy. I knew I could make him happy.  
But I also knew I had to have patience with him, to let him become the man he always has been – the strong and confident person.

I heard the guitar playing a melody yet unknown and I went about finishing my task. I put our future meal in the oven.  
As I turned around I saw him in the kitchen’s door smiling at me.

“Smells nice.”  
“Well yeah, I’m cooking…”

He put his finger on my lips to shush me.  
“How are you Davey?”  
I looked at him puzzled but amused. “I’m going amazing. And you Nick?”  
“I’m doing fine. I’m happy!”  
“That’s good to hear.”  
“Hey Davey” he said, his voice a mere whisper “do you want to be my boyfriend. I promise I’ll take good care of you!”  
I smiled broadly, cause he used the same words he did back when we first got together.  
“You have me Nick. You’ll always have me! I love you!”  
“I love you too Davey! Always have and always will!”

 

The End.

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=8547>  



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